Increasingly uncomfortable conversation...

Sam: "Mom!!! Do you have eggs like a CHICKEN??"
Me: "Yes, Sam, but they are very, very small."
Sam: "Smaller than tomato seeds? Tomato seeds are sooooo small."
Me: "Even smaller than tomato seeds."
Sam: "But how do they get in your uterus? What does a uterus look like? Can you see it? Where IS your uterus?"
Me: "My uterus is in my tummy. That's where the babies grow before they are born."
Sam: "Did you know that Penelope was the size of a zucchini when she was born?"
Me: "Wow. That is interesting, how do you know that?"
Sam: "She brought in a picture of her birth. Did you know I have tomato seeds? We can plant them in the garden..."

No Soup For You!!!!

Sam: Mom! That soup is so hot it felt like an electrical shock from the wall outlet that goes all the way through your tummy - but hotter!
Mom: Well, Sam, you would know that now, wouldn't you?

Never a good sign...

The following mental "snapshots" are NEVER a good sign of things to come. If you see these things happening around you, ALWAYS investigate, DO NOT HESITATE, disaster won't wait...

1. Back porch, blonde boy, naked, wood pile, hammer, running...
2. Large tree, begging, legs straddling a large branch just in eyesight, shoelaces knotted together on underside of branch...
3. Quiet house, brother's toothbrush, new bottle of hand soap, toilet...
4. Bubble gum, automatic car window, control button moving up and down, open mouth, blonde bangs...
5. Mud filled garden hose, older brother, HOT July afternoon...
6. Rubber spider from Chuck E. Cheese, Alfredo sauce, leaf separation spot in dining room table...

The bee's ears. (NOT to be confused with The bee's knees)

This morning's breakfast table:

Sam: "Mom, you can make candles out of bee's earwax, but how do you make it from people's earwax?"

Mom: (snickering quietly) "Sam, how do you think they get the earwax from the bees to make the candles?"

Sam: "A LOT of bee's ears."

Stalling...with Daddy. (Rare entry by Dathan)

Sam was repeating after me in prayer when he suddenly stopped and asked me, “…and Dad how do we get electricity? I mean, how do we get it into our house?
Dathan- It comes into our house by a wire.
Sam- I mean, how do they make electricity?
Dathan- Someday I will have to take you to the place where they make it out of coal that they burn and wind from the windmills.
Sam- How do squirrels make their nests in the trees?
Dathan- They usually find a hole that a woodpecker made or a rotten part of the tree and they take soft stuff like the stuffing out of our porch swing cushions and make their nest in the hole as soft as your pillow so they can sleep there.
Sam- Do birds go to the bathroom?
Dathan- Yes. (by now I knew he was stalling and this could continue indefinitely so I began to make my exit)
Sam- I mean do they go pee?
Dathan- Yes. Good night Sam.
Sam- How do they go pee? Do they poop? Do they….”
Dathan- “Good Night Sam.”

Little mouse-y disco and peanut butter...

Sam: Grammy! Look at what I made. See? I stuck this sparkle light bulb in the end of this mouse trap (a little black box that electrocutes the little scavengers after they wander in). I think that they will go inside and see the light and think it is a rollerskating disco party. And then they'll die.

Grammy: That's pretty creative Sam....What are you eating?

Sam: I have peanut butter on my fingers.

Grammy: Uhhh....

Mom (from the kitchen): What!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? Did you eat the peanut butter out of the mouse trap? AHHH! Something like 20 mice have died eating that peanut butter! Gross, go wash your hands and mouth please.

Dad: Ha, ha, ha, ha, he, he, he! That's pretty gross. Good one, Sam. Let's go get you washed.

From joking to true fear...

As I was getting ready for work last week, a whiff of acrid smoke floated by my nose. I was very confused since Dathan was down in the basement and Annalise and Sam were (I thought) at the breakfast table. While I was calmly trying to find the source of the smoke, Sam timidly spoke up about NOT being at the table the whole time. He admitted to me (and showed me the highly sought but never found) new place that he has been stashing things. From inside the shade of our halogen floor lamp - he pulled out a freshly filled squirt gun. Yes, he used it. Where, you ask? Well...in our electrical outlets of course! The source of the green and acrid smoke was from the smoldering and crackling outlet closest to that lamp! In a panic we got the power turned off to the house and the smoke began to dissipate. Sam, meanwhile, began to realize that we were very upset with his latest "challenge to the laws of physics", and sat very still and quiet for about the third time in his short life. His biggest fear from this whole ordeal was that his Grammy would find out that he started a fire in our wall - NOT for his life.

You know, I actually had a woman at work tell me that I needed to simply tell him that those sort of "experiments" were not o.k. and he would stop, just like her little girls did. Somehow I think that words aren't really working with this monkey. I am praying that the shooting flames and screaming mother might have tipped the scales in understanding that outlets and electricity ARE actually real and quite dangerous when played with. Do I sound bitter? I hope not. I am truly afraid at the indigenous need for this one to prove the Laws of Physics wrong (which he came by honestly from his Daddy). For those of you who have judged my abilities as a parent due to the sheer mass of crazy that comes from this kid, apologies are now being accepted. For those of you who might have seen first hand what little Sam Treat is capable of (without meaning to be bad...) prayers for my sanity are also welcome.