The Diaper Machine

Sam: Dad, I just want to take my quarters to the movie theater, but not to see a movie.
Dad: Why do you want to go to the theater if not to see a movie?
Sam: Well, I want to put my money in that machine!
Dad: What machine?
Sam: I want to buy Annalise some diapers!
Dad: What?!?!
Sam: You know, the diaper machine in the ladies bathroom! I want to put my quarters in there and get one!
Dad: (laughing) Did mommy tell you those were diapers? Ha, ha, ha! No, son, we're not going to go get some of those diapers.

Tips for money handeling...by Sam

How NOT to flatten a wrinkled dollar bill (that you want to take to the Mall to put in the change machine so you can get some quarters and put them into the other machine that has all the gumballs):

1. Go into the garage and get your dad's hammer. Place dollar bill on (great-grandmother's) dining table and hammer on all the wrinkled spots. Ignore screeching mother. Keep hammering until obvious that wrinkles are NOT budging.

2. Ask brother for help flattening dollar bill. Soundly reject all logical ideas presented. Begrudgingly go along with the large and heavy book strategy. Proceed to ignore brother's idea to place dollar bill in book and let it sit. Place dollar bill on (great-grandmother's) dining table and proceed to smash it with the large and heavy book. Ignore red-faced and screeching mother. Keep smashing until obvious that wrinkles are NOT budging.

3. Take dollar bill with you as you walk away from table. Proceed to play with baby sister on the floor. Leave dollar bill next to her while you move on to playing with other toys and irritating older brother. Let baby suck on dollar and proceed to get it soaked through with saliva until wrinkles are relaxed. Pick up dollar and repeat 20 times in a row at a very high and loud pitch, "Let's go to the Mall! I want to go to the Mall!" Ask for a sip of mother's wine.

Never gonna happen.

Mommy: Sam, your birthday is coming up soon. What kind of present do you want?
Sam: I want dynamite. REAL dynamite.
Mommy: Sam, what would you do with a stick of REAL dynamite?
Sam: I would set it in the road so the cars could drive over it and explode their tires.
Mommy: But that would hurt the person driving...
Sam: Yeah, but it would blow a hole in the road!!! What if it just hurt the squirrels and not people?

Glow-in-the-dark haircuts. No - not a typo.

I came home from work on Thursday to see my son with his beautiful white blonde hair completely missing from above his forehead! I walked in the door and was greeted with this look of "Oh no! Run!!! Wait, maybe she won't notice if I hold my hand over the bald spot!" It didn't work...I noticed. When I stopped laughing I assessed the damage and took him into the bathroom to clean off the remaining hair. When he and I walked into the bathroom, I hadn't yet turned on the light. Lo, and behold, my son was letting off an eerie green glow from his hands, shirt, face, and tummy. Come to find, he found my shears in the same drawer as my glow-in-the-dark paint that I used for their bedroom ceiling. He used it like lotion. And he glows. And has glowed for three days now.
I keep finding him covered in this strange substance that makes his skin pucker and look covered in weird goobers.
"I really, really, want to glow-in-the-dark at bedtime mommy!"
"Can I please glow a little longer?"
"Can just my tummy glow?"
Now, I have no idea which idea came first, the haircut or the glow-paint, but either way I look at it I giggle. Life will NEVER be plain or simple with this kid.

The things that come out of my mouth...

These are all quotes from me straight from our dinner table tonight.

"Sam, DON'T eat boogers at the table!"
"What are you doing? Don't take your underpants off while we're eating!"
"Could you please turn around and step off your chair while you put your underpants back on!?!?! We really don't need to see that."
"Toby! Don't blow your nose on your fingers! Fold the kleenex in half next time!"
"Sam! Why are you throwing your cranberries under the table? No, Toby isn't going to eat them like a dog off the floor!"
"No, these are called 'dumplings' not 'soup doughnuts'."

The Peckerhead.

Sam: I love my new legoman! I took off his real head and then I lost it! So I stuck this pecker (read: claw/spike) on and I call him peckerhead. See? He's a peckerhead, peck, peck, peck,peck...

How to not eat your carrots.

Mommy: Sam, did you eat your entire carrot?
Sam: uhhhh...
Mommy: Well, where did it go then?
Sam: It's uhhhh... It's here! I put it in the back of my underpants! I was sitting on it.
Mommy: Ugg. Ok - put it in the trash. Never put your food down into your underpants again ok?
Sam: Ok. You mean I don't have to finish it???