How NOT to flatten a wrinkled dollar bill (that you want to take to the Mall to put in the change machine so you can get some quarters and put them into the other machine that has all the gumballs):
1. Go into the garage and get your dad's hammer. Place dollar bill on (great-grandmother's) dining table and hammer on all the wrinkled spots. Ignore screeching mother. Keep hammering until obvious that wrinkles are NOT budging.
2. Ask brother for help flattening dollar bill. Soundly reject all logical ideas presented. Begrudgingly go along with the large and heavy book strategy. Proceed to ignore brother's idea to place dollar bill in book and let it sit. Place dollar bill on (great-grandmother's) dining table and proceed to smash it with the large and heavy book. Ignore red-faced and screeching mother. Keep smashing until obvious that wrinkles are NOT budging.
3. Take dollar bill with you as you walk away from table. Proceed to play with baby sister on the floor. Leave dollar bill next to her while you move on to playing with other toys and irritating older brother. Let baby suck on dollar and proceed to get it soaked through with saliva until wrinkles are relaxed. Pick up dollar and repeat 20 times in a row at a very high and loud pitch, "Let's go to the Mall! I want to go to the Mall!" Ask for a sip of mother's wine.
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