"Facts are stubborn things..."

11 Facts that cannot be refuted even by a 5 year old boy:

1. Water balloons WILL cause a toilet to overflow when flushed in a panic ("Quick! Dad's coming! Flush it!!!").
2. Toilets profusely overflow until the water balloon that is completely blocking the drain is burst with a sharp object and an angry father.
3. A bath tub filled with water is simply not big enough for two boys to hide in, no matter how quiet they are.
4. Eight Bobby-pins inserted into an electric outlet WILL produce a strong enough shock to make you cry in pain. They do not, however, produce a strong enough shock to keep a young boy from trying it again.
5. Cinnamon tastes great in a baked dessert and on oatmeal, but NOT by itself in an amount large enough to fill your whole mouth. In fact, it tastes so bad that it may require an entire glass of water and three sneezes to recover.
6. It's impossible to pull off your own nipples. They are permanently attached, though surprisingly stretchy.
7. A Panera Bread gift card will never get money to come out of an ATM machine no matter how hard or frantically you swipe it.
8. If you are given a quarter and you lose it, requesting help to find it (in the highest pitched, most relentless voice possible) from your mother 85 times in 2 minute period at 5:58 a.m. is not a good plan of action, nor does it bode well for your quarter.
9. Garbage disposals need to be replaced after getting jammed from grinding a quarter.
10. Chanting, "You're o.k. baby, you're o.k. baby, you're o.k. baby" while your baby sister is screaming because you put a clothes pin on her nose is NOT going to make it o.k.
11. Noodles can fit in the most amazing and creative places: noses, locks, toy truck cabs, table joints, refrigerator door jambs, sister's ears, snow boots, under mom's pillow, between piano keys, underpants (while wearing them), and in the crevice of your brother's bunk bed. Yes, these have all been found and proven by a most intelligent and inquisitive mother.

I attest to the truth of these fact having been proven on multiple occasions in my very own house. Please send donations and well-wishes to my mental institution/retirement fund.
Detective Treat (a.k.a. Sam's mommy)

Found!

After many weeks of wondering where some of my most used objects were disappearing to...I found them! I was putting the pressure on my son to eat his scrambled eggs before leaving for school, which he was resisting. I left the room to get something from the kitchen and heard his plate clanking around. When I came back in he happily exclaimed that his eggs were gone! I knew he was up to something...After checking the floor under the table I looked up and found a little shelf underneath the table, which can only be seen or accessed from crawling underneath. In it I found the treasures of my little Sam's heart... 9 Bobby pins, my blackberry phone holder, Dathan's favorite pen, 4 quarters, 2 pennies, and 1 very old cucumber and his scrambled eggs. The jig is up kid!

I'm honored...

Mom: Sammy, I sure love you! Have a great time at Grammy's house.
Sam: (looking deep and seriously into mother's eyes) I love you too, mommy. Um, here's some dried boogers...Bye!

Well...

This "conversation" followed after Sam was tucked into bed for the fourth time tonight.

Mom: Why aren't you going to sleep? Are you scared?
Sam: Yeah, it's too dark.
Mom: OK...Here's a little light for you now. Is that better?
Sam: Yes.
Mom: Just lay still with your eyes shut and think about all the great things you are going to do in pre-school tomorrow, and before you know it, it'll be morning!
Sam: Well......Will it be Christmas? Or Halloween? A halloween party? Maybe there'll be a piñata and I can get four candies if I hit it. Or maybe five, or six, or seven, or eight, or nine, or ten...If there is ten candies in the piñata, I could hit it and pick up one, or two, or three...
Mom: Goodnight Sam.
Sam: ...or four, or five, or six...

I can still hear him now, while I am typing. I think he is still counting...

Character building exercizes for babies...

How to build character/patience in younger sisters:

1. Wait patiently for Mom to dress unsuspecting sister in a dress with tights.
2. Find sister's favorite toy. Still wait patiently.
3. After baby is placed on ground to play and crawl, wait for mom to go out of ear shot.
4. Take saved favorite toy and place 5 feet from where baby is playing.
5. Get her attention with a sweet voice calling her to come and get her toy.
6. When sister begins to crawl towards her toy, run quickly to the back of her.
7. Proceed to step on her feet gently, only catching the extra part of her tights that hang over her toes with your shoes.
8. Step with all your weight on her rapidly stretching tights.
9. Laugh maniacally at sister all the while ignoring her frustrated complaints and NEVER letting go of her tights.
10. Jump off of tights and look as innocent as possible when hearing Mom come back towards room to see why baby is fussing.
11. Never let on that you know how the baby managed to stretch her tights 5 feet past her toes.

Our Christmas activities set to Popular Tunes...

This lovely, melodious gem is from Toby:

(Upon arriving at my sister's house in Gunnison and greeting their dog, Champ)
Ruff, ruff, bells, ruff, ruff, bells, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruuuufff. (repeated 20 times)

(While playing his new Star Wars video game)
Joy to the death! The Death has come! You Die! You Die! You DIIEE!

to be continued...

Spiritual Anatomy

Sam: Mom, Jesus doesn't live in my heart.
Mom: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Why doesn't he live in your heart? Do you not believe in Him?
Sam: No, mom. Jesus doesn't live in my heart...He lives in my neck!