Quotes from the weekend:
(after smashing his lollipop with my *disgusting* foot skin file thingy and licking the lollipop and foot powder off the table) "Yum! Tastes like sugar!"
"Do we ever call our lips the 'mouth lid?'"
"I want to watch 'Willy Wonker'!!!"
"I am NOT a vanilla bean. I am NOT cute. But, I am handsome."
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
10 sure-fire ways to make your mother nuts in one afternoon...
1. While in unusually long bath (a.k.a. daddy is home alone with kids) grab and remove cap from brand new Bumble&bumble Conditioner.
2. Proceed to dump out conditioner and re-fill bottle with daddy's shaving cream.
3. While in bath that is ridiculously long and un-witnessed, take mom's department store facial wash and squeeze out all contents to make a new "squeeze water gun."
4. Shoot water over every inch of just freshly cleaned bathroom.
5. While dad is still at home and mom is out - go to her office and proceed to load 3 dvd's at a time into each computer drive, leave them for mom to find.
6. Before leaving office, proceed to unplug charging iPod cord and re-plug both ends into most inconspicuous openings of the printer and jam them in.
7. Later in afternoon - appear to be playing nicely with brother in basement. Remove hidden hairspray bottle and deftly squirt into both ear canals. Pretend that you have no idea what your mother is talking about when she asks you why you smell like flowers. Only admit the truth under duress.
8. After being shooed outside to play - grab ridiculously inefficient "wet-mop" that has a floor cleaning chemical inside that works at a push of a button. Proceed to spray every square inch of pile of powdered sidewalk chalk (of which you spent two hours pounding 10 large chalks with a brick the day before). Step into gooey blue-green mess and leave your footprint every where you go for at least 60 full steps.
9. After some r&r following the "wrath of mom," grab hidden bottle of nail polish. Empty bottle into newly-filled-and-ready-for-garden-watering rain barrel. Slowly and nearly incoherently admit to being the cause of the oil spill in the rain barrel.
10. After each instance, look up at mom with big, teary brown eyes. With a quivering chin say, "Oh, I didn't know that would happen. I didn't know that would be bad..."
2. Proceed to dump out conditioner and re-fill bottle with daddy's shaving cream.
3. While in bath that is ridiculously long and un-witnessed, take mom's department store facial wash and squeeze out all contents to make a new "squeeze water gun."
4. Shoot water over every inch of just freshly cleaned bathroom.
5. While dad is still at home and mom is out - go to her office and proceed to load 3 dvd's at a time into each computer drive, leave them for mom to find.
6. Before leaving office, proceed to unplug charging iPod cord and re-plug both ends into most inconspicuous openings of the printer and jam them in.
7. Later in afternoon - appear to be playing nicely with brother in basement. Remove hidden hairspray bottle and deftly squirt into both ear canals. Pretend that you have no idea what your mother is talking about when she asks you why you smell like flowers. Only admit the truth under duress.
8. After being shooed outside to play - grab ridiculously inefficient "wet-mop" that has a floor cleaning chemical inside that works at a push of a button. Proceed to spray every square inch of pile of powdered sidewalk chalk (of which you spent two hours pounding 10 large chalks with a brick the day before). Step into gooey blue-green mess and leave your footprint every where you go for at least 60 full steps.
9. After some r&r following the "wrath of mom," grab hidden bottle of nail polish. Empty bottle into newly-filled-and-ready-for-garden-watering rain barrel. Slowly and nearly incoherently admit to being the cause of the oil spill in the rain barrel.
10. After each instance, look up at mom with big, teary brown eyes. With a quivering chin say, "Oh, I didn't know that would happen. I didn't know that would be bad..."
Friday, March 12, 2010
How much wood would a...?
I found the complete first season of "Woody Woodpecker" on DVD at our local library. My boys have been totally enjoying the annoying antics of that crazy bird, watching an episode after school each day. My favorite part about this situation is that Sam comes home from school and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Toby! Want to watch 'Woody Woodchucker' now?" Every time he says it I chuckle, I can't help myself. And then I chant (in my head) "How much wood would Woody Woodchucker chuck...?"
He's not slowing down...I'M getting quicker!
While happily typing away at my computer I was ALMOST finished with an intricate project that only needed to be printed. About 10 seconds into said printing, everything went dark and quiet...
1 second: "What happened? Did the power go out to our neighborhood"
2 seconds: "No, the lights are on in the basement...IT'S the breaker box!"
3 seconds: "Dangit! I put that kid's scooter too close to the breaker box! He found it!"
4 seconds: running. stairs. running.
5 seconds: Greeted by Toby in the garage: "He did it, he did it, he did it" (pointing at Sam)
6 seconds: "Samuel, never, never, never flip these 100 switches off again! How the heck did you do this in 1 second? Never, never, never touch this box again."
1 hour later: still resetting clocks, my printing job, and still in disbelief that he found, opened, and switched off the entire breaker box. Seriously? And people wonder why I often end my day with a glass of wine...
1 second: "What happened? Did the power go out to our neighborhood"
2 seconds: "No, the lights are on in the basement...IT'S the breaker box!"
3 seconds: "Dangit! I put that kid's scooter too close to the breaker box! He found it!"
4 seconds: running. stairs. running.
5 seconds: Greeted by Toby in the garage: "He did it, he did it, he did it" (pointing at Sam)
6 seconds: "Samuel, never, never, never flip these 100 switches off again! How the heck did you do this in 1 second? Never, never, never touch this box again."
1 hour later: still resetting clocks, my printing job, and still in disbelief that he found, opened, and switched off the entire breaker box. Seriously? And people wonder why I often end my day with a glass of wine...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
"Facts are stubborn things..."
11 Facts that cannot be refuted even by a 5 year old boy:
1. Water balloons WILL cause a toilet to overflow when flushed in a panic ("Quick! Dad's coming! Flush it!!!").
2. Toilets profusely overflow until the water balloon that is completely blocking the drain is burst with a sharp object and an angry father.
3. A bath tub filled with water is simply not big enough for two boys to hide in, no matter how quiet they are.
4. Eight Bobby-pins inserted into an electric outlet WILL produce a strong enough shock to make you cry in pain. They do not, however, produce a strong enough shock to keep a young boy from trying it again.
5. Cinnamon tastes great in a baked dessert and on oatmeal, but NOT by itself in an amount large enough to fill your whole mouth. In fact, it tastes so bad that it may require an entire glass of water and three sneezes to recover.
6. It's impossible to pull off your own nipples. They are permanently attached, though surprisingly stretchy.
7. A Panera Bread gift card will never get money to come out of an ATM machine no matter how hard or frantically you swipe it.
8. If you are given a quarter and you lose it, requesting help to find it (in the highest pitched, most relentless voice possible) from your mother 85 times in 2 minute period at 5:58 a.m. is not a good plan of action, nor does it bode well for your quarter.
9. Garbage disposals need to be replaced after getting jammed from grinding a quarter.
10. Chanting, "You're o.k. baby, you're o.k. baby, you're o.k. baby" while your baby sister is screaming because you put a clothes pin on her nose is NOT going to make it o.k.
11. Noodles can fit in the most amazing and creative places: noses, locks, toy truck cabs, table joints, refrigerator door jambs, sister's ears, snow boots, under mom's pillow, between piano keys, underpants (while wearing them), and in the crevice of your brother's bunk bed. Yes, these have all been found and proven by a most intelligent and inquisitive mother.
I attest to the truth of these fact having been proven on multiple occasions in my very own house. Please send donations and well-wishes to my mental institution/retirement fund.
Detective Treat (a.k.a. Sam's mommy)
1. Water balloons WILL cause a toilet to overflow when flushed in a panic ("Quick! Dad's coming! Flush it!!!").
2. Toilets profusely overflow until the water balloon that is completely blocking the drain is burst with a sharp object and an angry father.
3. A bath tub filled with water is simply not big enough for two boys to hide in, no matter how quiet they are.
4. Eight Bobby-pins inserted into an electric outlet WILL produce a strong enough shock to make you cry in pain. They do not, however, produce a strong enough shock to keep a young boy from trying it again.
5. Cinnamon tastes great in a baked dessert and on oatmeal, but NOT by itself in an amount large enough to fill your whole mouth. In fact, it tastes so bad that it may require an entire glass of water and three sneezes to recover.
6. It's impossible to pull off your own nipples. They are permanently attached, though surprisingly stretchy.
7. A Panera Bread gift card will never get money to come out of an ATM machine no matter how hard or frantically you swipe it.
8. If you are given a quarter and you lose it, requesting help to find it (in the highest pitched, most relentless voice possible) from your mother 85 times in 2 minute period at 5:58 a.m. is not a good plan of action, nor does it bode well for your quarter.
9. Garbage disposals need to be replaced after getting jammed from grinding a quarter.
10. Chanting, "You're o.k. baby, you're o.k. baby, you're o.k. baby" while your baby sister is screaming because you put a clothes pin on her nose is NOT going to make it o.k.
11. Noodles can fit in the most amazing and creative places: noses, locks, toy truck cabs, table joints, refrigerator door jambs, sister's ears, snow boots, under mom's pillow, between piano keys, underpants (while wearing them), and in the crevice of your brother's bunk bed. Yes, these have all been found and proven by a most intelligent and inquisitive mother.
I attest to the truth of these fact having been proven on multiple occasions in my very own house. Please send donations and well-wishes to my mental institution/retirement fund.
Detective Treat (a.k.a. Sam's mommy)
Monday, February 1, 2010
Found!
After many weeks of wondering where some of my most used objects were disappearing to...I found them! I was putting the pressure on my son to eat his scrambled eggs before leaving for school, which he was resisting. I left the room to get something from the kitchen and heard his plate clanking around. When I came back in he happily exclaimed that his eggs were gone! I knew he was up to something...After checking the floor under the table I looked up and found a little shelf underneath the table, which can only be seen or accessed from crawling underneath. In it I found the treasures of my little Sam's heart... 9 Bobby pins, my blackberry phone holder, Dathan's favorite pen, 4 quarters, 2 pennies, and 1 very old cucumber and his scrambled eggs. The jig is up kid!
I'm honored...
Mom: Sammy, I sure love you! Have a great time at Grammy's house.
Sam: (looking deep and seriously into mother's eyes) I love you too, mommy. Um, here's some dried boogers...Bye!
Sam: (looking deep and seriously into mother's eyes) I love you too, mommy. Um, here's some dried boogers...Bye!
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