Sam Cryptology 101

1. I'm 500 empty tummies!
(I'm super hungry)
2. It's 100 of hotness outside!
(It's really hot out)
3. I love you ALL THE DAYS.
(love forever)
4. I had so much money I bought a five dollar bill!!!!
(I exchanged quarters in at the bank, which I miscounted and am convinced they stole the 21st quarter)
5. Brussels Sprouts taste like Leaves!
(I've tried alot of leaves and still haven't found any that taste good)
6. That's like lightening in my mouth!
(that's too hot)
7. I haven't eaten bresfixt!
(I'm hungry for BREAKFAST)

Eww...(True Confessions from the disgusted, yet strangely entertained).

Last night, while munching away at yummy Jason's Deli, I looked over to find that Sam wasn't actually ON his seat where he was a second before. Just then his little toe-head popped up to report on all the sticky gum he had just found under the table. "Some of it is still squishy!" "Can I eat it?"

After I promptly screeched at him in a very inappropriate decibel for an "indoor voice," he begrudgingly went to the bathroom to wash his hands. After a VERY conspicuous absence, Daddy went in after him. Five minutes later, Dad returned to his meal while chuckling quietly and Sam rejoined us at the table. We went on to finish the meal pleasantly. Sam and Toby were excused and playing before Daddy decided to confess...Apparently there is a metal trap of sorts, that is removable I might add, that keeps non liquid objects from being flushed down the urinals in men's bathrooms...Apparently there was a lot of hand washing happening AFTER daddy went in to see what was taking so long.

Holy Warnings Batman!

The kids were all in bed. We had friends over and were enjoying a late dinner and a movie when suddenly the Christmas tree next to Dathan sprouted a head that called out, "Mom! I'm up to get a drink!" After jumping out of my skin I realized that Sam, who was NOT sleeping like a good little boy, had snuck up the stairs and stealthily climbed under our tree for who knows how long. As I glowered at him trying to decide what to do with the little curmudgeon, he decided he needed to get his little puppy dog eyes closer to me to achieve the desired effect. While he was working his way over he stubbed his toes on a clump of pine needles that had fallen from the tree and consequently crumpled into a little ball on the floor. I realized that I was receiving Heavenly support in my parenting and told Sam that he must have just gotten a "Spanking from God" for not staying in bed like I asked him to. As our friends and I were sitting there quietly pondering my deep wisdom, the little lump on the floor whispered, "But, He didn't even give me a warning." :)

The opposites.

Normal behavior for noise cancelling head phone use: Put over ears in order to muffle very loud sounds for either ear protection or ability to focus.
Sam behavior: Put over ears at dinner table. Ask 398 questions in rapid sequence in a loud enough voice to hear it through the head phones. Do not stop to wait for answers or...pretty much anything.

Normal behavior for push scooter: use as a tool for getting from one place to another; balance with one foot and push with other to operate scooter.
Sam behavior: take scooter and slam onto ground to very ineffectively break ice, chalk, or any other substance found on sidewalks; use as a swing when turned upside-down and hung from a pine tree branch; quickly spin it in circles to be used as an effective weapon against the ankles of your enemies, both foreign and domestic; after going 200 yards with scooter, sit on the bottom blade and beg to be pulled by the hand grip while you "rest".

Normal behavior for dining utensils: use a fork, spoon, or knife as a tool to eat with while keeping your hands and face free from becoming soiled.
Sam behavior: use fork to flick food as far as possible from plate while eating with your fingers; find bits of food and smash against any hard surface to see "how it looks squished"; take spoon and place between 2nd and 3rd toes and do a funny dance with it for all to see; hide knife in pocket until mother leaves the table to get something from kitchen; use knife to frantically try and cut open: wires, match boxes, unscrew doorknobs, remove t.v. power button, etc.

Normal behavior for mothers of Sams: cry, yell, grit teeth, time-out, spank, etc.
Optimal behavior for THIS mother of Sam: love, love, love that kid. I sure hope he lives a long time. :)

Compassion training 101

Mom, what if YOU were a baby and someone kept pulling your hair to put it in braids?
Mom, what if YOU were that turkey and someone pulled your feathers out and tied your feet together so you would cook faster?
Mom, what if YOU were that table and someone scrubbed on you until you shined?
Mom, what if YOU were that Lego Man and someone vacuumed YOU up?

I could go on...apparently he is trying to tell me something...

The Tickler!!...dun, dun, duuuuun (scary sounding music)

Tonight the boys had extra wiggles than usual. Sam was laughing manically at Toby who was trying to brush his teeth while being tickled by squirrely Sam. After some serious threats, Sam decided to actually go and get his pj's on. Toby and I took this opportunity to set up a great "scare" for Sam. We turned off the lights in the office and hid behind the open door waiting for him to come up. As we were standing there, in the dark, listening to our own breathing and trying not to snicker, Sam called out, "Toby! The Tickler is coming! As soon as I find my, what? Where did my jammies go? I just had them right here...Tickler is coming! I...argh...umph...can't...find..."

Lo, and behold, he finally came stomping up from the basement and started to call for us. We were being stealthy and silent, feeling that tickle in our spines of excitement that we were going to get him good...Sam finally wandered into the office to the sound of our screams and jumped about a mile! He quickly turned on the light which, in turn, gave Toby and I quite a shock.

Little known fact: "The Tickler" is code for a little boy wearing only socks and a pair of mirrored swimming goggles with his white blonde hair sticking straight out from the sides of his head. Apparently he gave up trying to find his pj's.

Mr. Freckles...

Ever since Sam could talk he was sure to remind me that he KNEW who he was...just in case I forgot. I have yet to find a nick-name that he will accept. "I AM NOT buster Brown! I AM NOT Mr. Vanilla Bean! I am NOT cute, but I AM precious..." His new thing is reminding me that he is the one talking to me, every time he says something. "Hey! I think we should go to Chuck E. Cheese, you know, Me, Sam." "Sam, do you want dessert?" "Yes, I do! Me, Sam, that is." "Mom! Toby is hitting me! You know, me, Sam!"

My favorite interaction we have had on this subject happened last week after I got home from a week at my sister's in Missouri. I took the boys on a "date" to Whole Foods for cookies and hot chocolate. While we were sitting all cozy in the big arm chairs in the cafe area, I went through my list of things I had missed while I was gone. "Sam, I missed your good-smelling hair. I missed your chirpy words. I missed your chocolate eyes. I really missed your freckles..."

"I AM NOT Mr. Freckles!!! I'm Me, you know, Sam."

I love that kid. He is now permanently Mr. Freckles, like it or not.

Increasingly uncomfortable conversation...

Sam: "Mom!!! Do you have eggs like a CHICKEN??"
Me: "Yes, Sam, but they are very, very small."
Sam: "Smaller than tomato seeds? Tomato seeds are sooooo small."
Me: "Even smaller than tomato seeds."
Sam: "But how do they get in your uterus? What does a uterus look like? Can you see it? Where IS your uterus?"
Me: "My uterus is in my tummy. That's where the babies grow before they are born."
Sam: "Did you know that Penelope was the size of a zucchini when she was born?"
Me: "Wow. That is interesting, how do you know that?"
Sam: "She brought in a picture of her birth. Did you know I have tomato seeds? We can plant them in the garden..."

No Soup For You!!!!

Sam: Mom! That soup is so hot it felt like an electrical shock from the wall outlet that goes all the way through your tummy - but hotter!
Mom: Well, Sam, you would know that now, wouldn't you?

Never a good sign...

The following mental "snapshots" are NEVER a good sign of things to come. If you see these things happening around you, ALWAYS investigate, DO NOT HESITATE, disaster won't wait...

1. Back porch, blonde boy, naked, wood pile, hammer, running...
2. Large tree, begging, legs straddling a large branch just in eyesight, shoelaces knotted together on underside of branch...
3. Quiet house, brother's toothbrush, new bottle of hand soap, toilet...
4. Bubble gum, automatic car window, control button moving up and down, open mouth, blonde bangs...
5. Mud filled garden hose, older brother, HOT July afternoon...
6. Rubber spider from Chuck E. Cheese, Alfredo sauce, leaf separation spot in dining room table...

The bee's ears. (NOT to be confused with The bee's knees)

This morning's breakfast table:

Sam: "Mom, you can make candles out of bee's earwax, but how do you make it from people's earwax?"

Mom: (snickering quietly) "Sam, how do you think they get the earwax from the bees to make the candles?"

Sam: "A LOT of bee's ears."

Stalling...with Daddy. (Rare entry by Dathan)

Sam was repeating after me in prayer when he suddenly stopped and asked me, “…and Dad how do we get electricity? I mean, how do we get it into our house?
Dathan- It comes into our house by a wire.
Sam- I mean, how do they make electricity?
Dathan- Someday I will have to take you to the place where they make it out of coal that they burn and wind from the windmills.
Sam- How do squirrels make their nests in the trees?
Dathan- They usually find a hole that a woodpecker made or a rotten part of the tree and they take soft stuff like the stuffing out of our porch swing cushions and make their nest in the hole as soft as your pillow so they can sleep there.
Sam- Do birds go to the bathroom?
Dathan- Yes. (by now I knew he was stalling and this could continue indefinitely so I began to make my exit)
Sam- I mean do they go pee?
Dathan- Yes. Good night Sam.
Sam- How do they go pee? Do they poop? Do they….”
Dathan- “Good Night Sam.”

Little mouse-y disco and peanut butter...

Sam: Grammy! Look at what I made. See? I stuck this sparkle light bulb in the end of this mouse trap (a little black box that electrocutes the little scavengers after they wander in). I think that they will go inside and see the light and think it is a rollerskating disco party. And then they'll die.

Grammy: That's pretty creative Sam....What are you eating?

Sam: I have peanut butter on my fingers.

Grammy: Uhhh....

Mom (from the kitchen): What!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? Did you eat the peanut butter out of the mouse trap? AHHH! Something like 20 mice have died eating that peanut butter! Gross, go wash your hands and mouth please.

Dad: Ha, ha, ha, ha, he, he, he! That's pretty gross. Good one, Sam. Let's go get you washed.

From joking to true fear...

As I was getting ready for work last week, a whiff of acrid smoke floated by my nose. I was very confused since Dathan was down in the basement and Annalise and Sam were (I thought) at the breakfast table. While I was calmly trying to find the source of the smoke, Sam timidly spoke up about NOT being at the table the whole time. He admitted to me (and showed me the highly sought but never found) new place that he has been stashing things. From inside the shade of our halogen floor lamp - he pulled out a freshly filled squirt gun. Yes, he used it. Where, you ask? Well...in our electrical outlets of course! The source of the green and acrid smoke was from the smoldering and crackling outlet closest to that lamp! In a panic we got the power turned off to the house and the smoke began to dissipate. Sam, meanwhile, began to realize that we were very upset with his latest "challenge to the laws of physics", and sat very still and quiet for about the third time in his short life. His biggest fear from this whole ordeal was that his Grammy would find out that he started a fire in our wall - NOT for his life.

You know, I actually had a woman at work tell me that I needed to simply tell him that those sort of "experiments" were not o.k. and he would stop, just like her little girls did. Somehow I think that words aren't really working with this monkey. I am praying that the shooting flames and screaming mother might have tipped the scales in understanding that outlets and electricity ARE actually real and quite dangerous when played with. Do I sound bitter? I hope not. I am truly afraid at the indigenous need for this one to prove the Laws of Physics wrong (which he came by honestly from his Daddy). For those of you who have judged my abilities as a parent due to the sheer mass of crazy that comes from this kid, apologies are now being accepted. For those of you who might have seen first hand what little Sam Treat is capable of (without meaning to be bad...) prayers for my sanity are also welcome.

Tree poop and other assorted things...

Quotes straight from the kid himself:

"Today I helped Grampy clean up all the tree poop after the rain!" (a.k.a. seed pods)
"I watched a boy get punched in the eye hat!" (a.k.a. eye lid)
"We had loose goose for lunch today" (a.k.a. couscous)
"A heart attack is when your heart gets sick. And when you have a heart attack, Jesus gets hurt."
"I think that Annalise puts her green beans on the floor to save for a snack."

New favorites.

Quotes from the weekend:

(after smashing his lollipop with my *disgusting* foot skin file thingy and licking the lollipop and foot powder off the table) "Yum! Tastes like sugar!"

"Do we ever call our lips the 'mouth lid?'"

"I want to watch 'Willy Wonker'!!!"

"I am NOT a vanilla bean. I am NOT cute. But, I am handsome."

10 sure-fire ways to make your mother nuts in one afternoon...

1. While in unusually long bath (a.k.a. daddy is home alone with kids) grab and remove cap from brand new Bumble&bumble Conditioner.
2. Proceed to dump out conditioner and re-fill bottle with daddy's shaving cream.
3. While in bath that is ridiculously long and un-witnessed, take mom's department store facial wash and squeeze out all contents to make a new "squeeze water gun."
4. Shoot water over every inch of just freshly cleaned bathroom.
5. While dad is still at home and mom is out - go to her office and proceed to load 3 dvd's at a time into each computer drive, leave them for mom to find.
6. Before leaving office, proceed to unplug charging iPod cord and re-plug both ends into most inconspicuous openings of the printer and jam them in.
7. Later in afternoon - appear to be playing nicely with brother in basement. Remove hidden hairspray bottle and deftly squirt into both ear canals. Pretend that you have no idea what your mother is talking about when she asks you why you smell like flowers. Only admit the truth under duress.
8. After being shooed outside to play - grab ridiculously inefficient "wet-mop" that has a floor cleaning chemical inside that works at a push of a button. Proceed to spray every square inch of pile of powdered sidewalk chalk (of which you spent two hours pounding 10 large chalks with a brick the day before). Step into gooey blue-green mess and leave your footprint every where you go for at least 60 full steps.
9. After some r&r following the "wrath of mom," grab hidden bottle of nail polish. Empty bottle into newly-filled-and-ready-for-garden-watering rain barrel. Slowly and nearly incoherently admit to being the cause of the oil spill in the rain barrel.
10. After each instance, look up at mom with big, teary brown eyes. With a quivering chin say, "Oh, I didn't know that would happen. I didn't know that would be bad..."

How much wood would a...?

I found the complete first season of "Woody Woodpecker" on DVD at our local library. My boys have been totally enjoying the annoying antics of that crazy bird, watching an episode after school each day. My favorite part about this situation is that Sam comes home from school and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Toby! Want to watch 'Woody Woodchucker' now?" Every time he says it I chuckle, I can't help myself. And then I chant (in my head) "How much wood would Woody Woodchucker chuck...?"

He's not slowing down...I'M getting quicker!

While happily typing away at my computer I was ALMOST finished with an intricate project that only needed to be printed. About 10 seconds into said printing, everything went dark and quiet...

1 second: "What happened? Did the power go out to our neighborhood"
2 seconds: "No, the lights are on in the basement...IT'S the breaker box!"
3 seconds: "Dangit! I put that kid's scooter too close to the breaker box! He found it!"
4 seconds: running. stairs. running.
5 seconds: Greeted by Toby in the garage: "He did it, he did it, he did it" (pointing at Sam)
6 seconds: "Samuel, never, never, never flip these 100 switches off again! How the heck did you do this in 1 second? Never, never, never touch this box again."

1 hour later: still resetting clocks, my printing job, and still in disbelief that he found, opened, and switched off the entire breaker box. Seriously? And people wonder why I often end my day with a glass of wine...

"Facts are stubborn things..."

11 Facts that cannot be refuted even by a 5 year old boy:

1. Water balloons WILL cause a toilet to overflow when flushed in a panic ("Quick! Dad's coming! Flush it!!!").
2. Toilets profusely overflow until the water balloon that is completely blocking the drain is burst with a sharp object and an angry father.
3. A bath tub filled with water is simply not big enough for two boys to hide in, no matter how quiet they are.
4. Eight Bobby-pins inserted into an electric outlet WILL produce a strong enough shock to make you cry in pain. They do not, however, produce a strong enough shock to keep a young boy from trying it again.
5. Cinnamon tastes great in a baked dessert and on oatmeal, but NOT by itself in an amount large enough to fill your whole mouth. In fact, it tastes so bad that it may require an entire glass of water and three sneezes to recover.
6. It's impossible to pull off your own nipples. They are permanently attached, though surprisingly stretchy.
7. A Panera Bread gift card will never get money to come out of an ATM machine no matter how hard or frantically you swipe it.
8. If you are given a quarter and you lose it, requesting help to find it (in the highest pitched, most relentless voice possible) from your mother 85 times in 2 minute period at 5:58 a.m. is not a good plan of action, nor does it bode well for your quarter.
9. Garbage disposals need to be replaced after getting jammed from grinding a quarter.
10. Chanting, "You're o.k. baby, you're o.k. baby, you're o.k. baby" while your baby sister is screaming because you put a clothes pin on her nose is NOT going to make it o.k.
11. Noodles can fit in the most amazing and creative places: noses, locks, toy truck cabs, table joints, refrigerator door jambs, sister's ears, snow boots, under mom's pillow, between piano keys, underpants (while wearing them), and in the crevice of your brother's bunk bed. Yes, these have all been found and proven by a most intelligent and inquisitive mother.

I attest to the truth of these fact having been proven on multiple occasions in my very own house. Please send donations and well-wishes to my mental institution/retirement fund.
Detective Treat (a.k.a. Sam's mommy)